Sometimes it takes a heart to break into a million pieces before clarity finally comes through.
The last couple weeks I was feeling unmotivated and uninspired to work since I returned from my holiday. Business had been slow and there had been days where there were no guests.
A part of me wanted to give up. What was the point when I poured my heart and energy and time into creating retreats and the response rate was close to nothing? I felt that no one really was interested, so why bother?
How do you keep going when you feel that spark of joy inside you has gone and all the creativity juices have dried up? In my mind I kept telling myself I should do this and that for work, but I really did not feel like doing it.
So I did this only thing that excited me – to immerse in my trip-planning details for my upcoming family trip in June. I did go to work during the day and got stuff done, it was just nothing felt interesting and inspiring anymore.
A few nights ago my husband said something and it was like someone pushed this anger button inside me. I was immediately triggered and then lashed out my anger at him. My poor husband, what he said was just something small (someone forgot to turn off the sprinklers) and I spiraled into some drama much bigger than that (why is it always me, why do I have to do everything) and went on sobbing and all.
Then a couple nights later, my husband said something again that really hurt my feelings (he didn’t mean to). I cried and cried and couldn’t even stop myself from crying. I felt like my heart was shattered into millions of pieces. Then, suddenly calmness washed over me. I felt that clarity was finally peeking through those shattered pieces of my heart.
At 3.30am in the morning, I got up, fully awake, and took my oracle cards out. I felt a strong urge to do a mini card constellation for myself, and sure enough, insights surfaced. I wrote down my reflections and realizations in my journal. By 4.30am I felt refreshed and inspired again, and I went to bed.
I realized that I was feeling shattered and scattered because I was feeling alone. I felt like I had to do everything myself, like I was swimming across the ocean with no destination in sight. But in fact I was supported with love from my family, ancestors, my higher self, and also all my invisible spiritual support team.
My world and experiences are shaped by my beliefs and perspectives. If I see myself and everything else as a failure, that’s what it will become. If I choose to see the potential in Life, then all my experiences will reaffirm this.
Now I knew that my emotional breakdown was partly due to hormones (thanks PMS). But of course if those emotions weren’t inside of me at the first place, then nothing would have happened.
When difficult emotions arise, we human beings are very good at distracting ourselves to avoid the pain. For me, that has been the trip planning. And that is okay. That was the only thing I could handle at that time. Then the Universe conspired and co-created this opportunity for me because it was time to face my emotions.
The key is to be patient with the discomfort; it’s teaching you something. Be completely present and fully immerse in the emotions you are experiencing. It may be very painful at that time. It may hurt a lot.
As long as you know that you are in a safe space, allow yourself to sit with the discomfort. Allow the emotions and the healing process to unfold. At times, it may seem like you have fallen into an abyss of darkness, but trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Emotions are energy in motions. When we allow ourselves the discomfort of facing and embracing our negative emotions, that’s when these emotions can finally be released and transform into wisdom.
When the clarity comes through, it will feel like the rainbow after the thunderstorm.